That time I decided I didn’t belong (😲 and I was wrong!)

Have you ever found yourself… quietly pulling up a chair at the “kids’ table” at work?

🙋🏽♀️ Been there. Early in my career as a management consultant, that was me. Picture a 5’2”, tan-skinned, twenty-something woman advising senior execs—often decades older—on how to better engage their employees.

I didn’t exactly blend in with the mahogany boardroom crowd.

And between the visual mismatch and my own newbie self-consciousness, I convinced myself I didn’t belong.

So I did what many of us do: I turned down the dimmer switch on me. I kept quiet when I had big ideas. I swapped out my bold, colorful wardrobe for black and navy. Even my body language shrank.

But here’s the kicker: sitting at that metaphorical kids’ table wasn’t just a loss for me—it was a loss for everyone.

Because here’s the truth: If your presence doesn’t make a difference, your absence won’t either.

By convincing myself I didn't belong, I was robbing the room of what made me me: they weren’t getting my passions or strengths, what makes me memorable and unique. And I was left feeling disconnected.

With time (and a lot of practice!), I discovered how energizing—how right—it feels to show up as my full technicolor self.

What about you? Is there a part of you you’ve been hiding or holding back—a spark, an idea, a shift you’re craving? What would it look and feel like to bring that forward?

Quick Confidence Tips to Boost Your Feeling of Belonging:

1. Embodied: Dress to impress… yourself. People often comment on my brightly colored clothes. It’s not that I'm trying to impersonate a highlighter🙂, it’s that bright colors make me feel energized and emboldened. Just like me, your appearance tells a story, and that story doesn’t just influence others: it influences how you see yourself. What clothes or accessories make you feel most confident and engaged? Maybe it's calm tones, a structured jacket that makes you feel fierce, dress pants that feel like yoga pants, or something else. Think about when you've felt your most powerful and consider replicating this "power outfit" formula. Experiment tomorrow with wearing these clothes and see if it changes how you feel.

   
   

2. Interpersonal: Your knowledge is your message. When you're speaking, let your experience and credibility shine through by using strong, definitive language. Instead of tentative phrasing like "We could," try "I recommend." And, instead of "Maybe X will work," you could say "My research/analysis shows this could help us achieve X result." Similarly, you can shift from "I was thinking..." to "Based on my experience, the key issue is Y." These subtle yet powerful shifts in language clearly convey your knowledge and expertise and convey leadership presence. I have more examples in my TikTok videos here: speak confidently with executives, low status behaviors to avoid, and phrases I'm outgrowing.

   
   

3. Mindset: Flip the power dynamic. A common pitfall I see (and have personally experienced) is a belief that they (whoever they are) “know more about this than me” or “have all the answers.” If you catch yourself with this belief, rest assured you are overestimating what others can do and underestimating what you can do. Here’s what can help: Instead of placing colleagues on a pedestal, actively work to see them as individuals with their own strengths, weaknesses, and journeys – just like you. I like to think of them as fellow "travelers" in a sense. When I catch myself feeling "less-than," I take it as a prompt to self-reflect and flip the power dynamic. Here are my go-to prompts: What common ground might I share with this person? What expertise do I bring to the table that they might also be developing or learning about? What am I assuming about their knowledge or motivations instead of asking? How can I better focus on our shared objectives in this interaction?

If the feeling of not quite belonging has been a persistent undercurrent for you, know that you're not alone. There's something universal about the quest to connect authentically with others and feel truly seen and valued. So, start reframing your own belonging today. Wear the outfit. Say the thing. Flip the power dynamic. 

Have you tried one of these tips before? What tips would you add? Let me know in the comments! I love hearing from you. 🔥