Low confidence = loose boundaries 😔

Just before the pandemic, I landed a dream client: an ad agency. Talk about a confidence boost!

I couldn't ask for more—the speaking engagement was exciting, the budget was right, and I was ready to get started. 

Then… the requests started 🌊 rolling in.

It began innocently enough. "Could we maybe shift the focus a bit?" Wanting to be known as an accommodating speaker, I agreed, "Absolutely!" But then came tweaks to the Q&A, changes to the slides and images, and before I knew it, the original engagement had morphed into something resembling a three-headed dragon.

Every time I thought we were nearing the finish line, they'd casually drop a new demand on my plate. It felt like Pandora's Never Ending Box of Revisions.

As my to-do list ballooned, I found myself spending hours on tasks that barely related to the original project.

I. Was. Fuming! 😡

And to top it off, I felt less confident in my talk because it had strayed so far from my original message. A classic case of poor boundaries meets an infinite well of requests. By not asserting my boundaries at the beginning—and throughout the project—I left myself vulnerable to a pretty miserable experience.

That ordeal may have been a nightmare, but I learned a precious lesson that still guides me today: we teach others how to treat us.

The treatment we accept tells others a lot about how to respect our time, how much we’re willing to sacrifice, and how to value our contributions. 

Has a "small favor" ever had you feeling like a human chameleon, constantly adapting to someone else's ever-changing vision? The good news is, it’s never too late to take a timeout and reset your boundaries. 

If you want to sustain your confidence and keep your boundaries intact, try out these techniques:

Quick Confidence Tips for Setting and Keeping Boundaries

1. Mindset: Shift from “It’s selfish” to “It’s self-preservation.” To break free from the people-pleasing cycle, which often drives us to loosen our boundaries (and subsequently lower our confidence), challenge the belief that your worth is determined by others' approval. In my case, I was hired to do a job and, of course, wanted to please the customer. But sometimes a person's approval is not within your control—or it’s altogether unattainable! Now's the time to recognize that asserting boundaries isn't selfish - in fact self-preservation is crucial. Prioritize your needs and values, and remember that saying "no" doesn't equate to being unkind.

2. Interpersonal: Practice assertive "I" statements. By using "I" statements to express your feelings and needs, you share an important boundary with someone, without blaming or accusing. For example, I could have said, "I feel uncomfortable with the way the project scope keeps expanding. Can we revisit the original goals?" (Whereas if I had started with "YOU keep changing the scope of the project..." it would've been taken more negatively) . Using “I” statements can reduce the other person’s defensiveness and even increase their empathy for your situation. Try it! This approach helps maintain relationships while establishing clear boundaries.

3. Embodied: Use the Laser Gaze. If you do muster the courage to set a boundary or use an "I" statement, you might be tempted to look at your papers or avoid the other person's eyes while doing so. Yet nothing reinforces your stated boundary like maintaining steady, direct eye contact. That creates a connection that says, “I’d like your attention and want you to fully understand.” Along with the limits you’re expressing aloud, your unwavering, direct eye contact conveys confidence and sincerity, making it clear that your needs are important.

By understanding the connection between low confidence and loose boundaries, you can take steps to empower yourself. It's okay to prioritize your well-being. It’s okay to hit pause. And it’s most certainly ok to say no!

Building strong boundaries is not only essential for your mental health but also for fostering healthier, more respectful relationships. Here’s to setting an example of self-care and self-respect.

How have boundaries improved your relationships and self-confidence? Share your experiences in the comments.